Staplegunned
by Conspiracy.Com
Summary: Cousins, their pair of boggarts, and the Marauders. Dahlia and Howle are insane. CAN THE SCHOOL TAKE IT! The answer is no. Neither can the Marauders. Where did the purple ostrich come from? Where did the mango get off to? Why am I asking these questions?
1. Welcome to Hell, er, Hogwarts

**I'd like to say that if there are historical inconsistencies, such as CDs, LIVE WITH IT. That's why it's called "fanfiction", people. **

**Fanfiction: A fictional story about a book/movie/anime that the writer did not create. NOTE: This definition contains nothing pertaining to re-writing the book/movie/anime.**

**-ShadowInTheHall.**

**P.S.: Enjoy.**

"Meowmeowmeowmeow meowmeowmeowmeow meowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeow meowmeowmeowmeow meowmeowmeow mee-ow." The girl shifted farther from the sunlight streaming from the window. "Freakin' Hogwarts with its freaking rules and freakin' Mo_ther_, and freaking Dahlia for taking so long!" Black hair fell into dark blue grey eyes. She shook her head to remove the offending hair. She and her cousin were on the legendary Hogwarts Express, hurtling toward the school itself. Howle was supposed to be changing into her school robes. Dahlia was in the next compartment over. Howle's attempt at dressing was to take the robe and put it on over her pants and t-shirt. The door slid open. Five foot five inches, a hazel eyed, darkly tanned girl stood. Dark red hair hung around her shoulders.

"Hey, you're still dressed!"

"Mmmfh." came the mumbled reply.

"Do not make me forcibly remove your clothing!" Dahlia took a threatening step toward her counterpart.

"Noooo!" The grumbling witch jumped up to the luggage rack. "Um, Dahl, I think I forgot my robes……."

"I thought you would." Dahlia picked up a box. "My mother handed me this before we left. She said it was your stuff."

"……Oh." Howle took the box.

"I have to pee." Dahlia said suddenly.

"When don't you?" Howle remarked. Dahlia's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that." Dahlia turned to find the restroom and Howle begrudgingly donned the black shirt and pants before replacing her Hogwarts robe. Not long after Howle kicked her trunk onto the seat and made herself comfortable on the luggage rack, Dahlia returned

"Howle, have you seen Queso?"

"No. Come to think of it, Kiwi hasn't been around either…" Queso and Kiwi were creatures-Dahlia and Howle assumed were type of a boggart- their uncle of no relation brought home from one of his trips. They could imitate most every animal, and a limited number of inanimate objects. The two creatures rarely spoke, but when they did, it was mostly sarcastic comments. Howle removed herself from the luggage rack and the search ensued for the two missing creatures. Multiple high-pitched screams emanated from down the train car. Dahlia threw open the door.

"Kiwi?" Howle peered in. In the middle of the car was a toad the height of a cat with the circumference of a turkey platter, sporting bright aqua colored eyes.

"Queso!" Dahlia drew herself up to her full 5'5'". "Queso, get over here now!" The toad glanced over at her and morphed into a two foot tall giraffe.

"Have you seen Kiwi?" Queso shook his head. "Damn…" The five prep first years climbed down from the seat. Howle took off down the train hallway. Dahlia Obliviated the girls before closing the door.

"Bloody hell! Moony, is that a-" a boys voice started.

"Back up, James!"

"But how did a chimera get on the train?!"

"I don't know, Sir, but _back up_! Don't look it in the eyes!" Moony said.

"Peter passed out!" James shouted. People were beginning to open their doors and peer into the hallway. Howle drew her wand and flicked it, promptly closing people into their compartments. She threw open the last compartment's door.

"Kiwi!" she half shouted, half warned, in what could only be described as a Voice of Wrath. The lion head, goat head, and dragon-faced tail all looked to her. The chimera's hands reached the ceiling of the train. Kiwi promptly shrank down to a foot tall skinny black cat with periwinkle eyes. "Back." she ordered in the same Voice of Wrath. The cat slunk in to the hall and to the only open compartment. Howle closed the door without even taking a look at the poor quartet of Hogwarts students. Before Dahlia closed their door, she gave a flick of her own wand, allowing the others to open their doors.

"Where did Kiwi learn the Chimera form?"

"I don't know." she half glared at Kiwi.

"That was pretty cool, though." Dahlia smiled.

"It would have been cooler if he had attacked some preps." Howle looked at her cousin/bestest friend forever/cohort. Queso, in his favourite shape of a green and purple cockatoo, spoke.

"Howle, what is your wand made of?"

"Ash wood."

"From?"

"A tree." She replied simply. After receiving an unamused stare from Queso, she said, "Fine. The Upper Mountains, in Greece."

"That field was watered with the blood of a chimera."

"How do _you_ know?" Dahlia asked.

"I read your books."

"So can you turn into a thestral?" Howle asked. Kiwi remained curled on the cushion, feigning sleep. Dahlia pulled her wand out.

"Hawthorne grown in soil fed with ground dragon bones, with a core of vampire sheep wool. Touch this." She held her wand out to Queso, who took it in his beak and handed it back.

"I'm not morphing." he said.

"Dahlia," Howle started, "why did we get kicked out again?" Dahlia put a hand on her chin.

"I think it was because we uprooted all the mandrake plants . Or did we set fireworks off in the office?"

"I don't remember. I thought we set emus loose in the library." They laughed. "It's really stupid we have to start first year."

"No we don't. Weren't you listening to your mom?"

"Do I ever listen to that old bat?"

"We're going straight into fourth year."

"Oh." Howle thought. "So…that Sorting hat thing, from the history book…Do we have to be sorted with the first years?"

"Probably. How likely is it that we'll have a private sorting?" Dahlia pointed out. The rest of the train ride was uneventful.

Upon arriving at Hogwarts, despite being told to leave all their luggage on the train, the cousins each grabbed a small case. Kiwi and Queso followed them. They followed a red headed girl away from the train station and over to where invisible horses pulled carriages of four or five students. As they waited for an empty carriage to arrive and ferry them to the castle, Howle cooed over the winged horses

"Look, Dahl, thestrals!"

"What are you talking about, thestrals?" Howle and Dahlia turned to see four boys.

"Pulling the carts. Thestrals are pulling the carts." Dahlia stated, as if it were obvious.

"There's nothing there!" another said, with longer black hair. The first boy with the glasses nodded.

"Yeah, what's a thestral?" he asked. The boy with slightly ruffled brown hair spoke.

"James, a thestral is a type of horse. Much like a Pegasus, but-"

"It has bat-like wings, glowing red eyes, talons, and fangs." Dahlia finished.

"They're so cute!" Howle added.

"Uh, not what I'd call cuddly, something like that approaching me." the longer haired one said.

"Yes, but Sirius, you could only see one if you have seen death."

"What?" Howle said. Dahlia shook her head.

"Don't you read anything?"

"Do the restricted books count?" Dahlia saw how the others were looking at them as if they were crazy raving mad and dressed as a muffler or something else insane enough that would merit such a look.

"I'm sorry. My name is Dahlia Abbey. This is my cousin slash best friend forever slash cohort slash business partner."

"I'm not sorry, and my name is Howle Druze. This is my…….see aforementioned titles." she finished flatly.

"Remus Lupin." The brown haired one started, being the closest.

"James Potter." The boy with glasses said.

"Sirius Black." the one with longer hair introduced himself.

"My name is Peter." the last boy in the back said quietly.

"What?" Dahlia leaned forward slightly.

"Peter Pettigrew." Remus said. "He's kind of quiet."

"Look who's talking." James remarked.

"Hey…" Sirius said, "aren't you the one with the chimera?"

"Nope." Howle said. "Do you see a chimera? Don't you know chimeras don't live on trains?"

"Especially when that's where they belong." Dahlia added.

"Ex_actly_." Howle said. Simultaneously, the two turned and linked elbows, and headed for the nearest thestral-pulled cart.

"Eh…" James said.

"Have any of you seen them before?" Sirius asked.

"Nope." James replied.

"Not me." Remus answered.

"So these loonies are first years?"

"It seems so." Remus said.

"I think they're _too_ loony for first years. They might even out-loony me!"

"Doubtful." Remus muttered.

"I heard that Moony." The four headed to a cart.


	2. Assumptions?

As Dahlia and Howle made themselves comfortable on the creaky wooden seats, a tall thin boy with slightly greasy hair and a nose reminiscent of an eagle leaped into the carriage. He ignored the two girls staring at him, as well as the comments four boys they had just talked to were calling after him.

"Uh," Dahlia began.

"Who the hell are you?" Howle demanded.

The skinny dark eyed teen glared mildly at the girls.

"Severus Snape," he muttered sullenly. "Why do you want to know?"

Dahlia smiled and whispered something in Howle's ear before she crossed the cart floor and sat down next to Severus.

"My name is Dahlia Abbey," she said smoothly. "I've never seen you around here, Severus…" she murmured, blithely ignoring the fact that _she _was the one who'd never been in the area.

Across from them, Howle was forced to snatch Kiwi from where he was napping in order to muffle her laughs in his fur.

She watched as Dahlia brought a hand up to Severus's shoulder and rested it there briefly. Howle desperately wanted some popcorn and a good candy bar.

"Oh," Dahlia exclaimed, eyes wide. "Your arm is so…_tense. _Do you want a massage?" she asked in an innocent tone.

Severus cowered away from her, quite unsure of what was happening and how to respond. After all, no girl had ever talked to him like _this _before.

Ah hah! He knew what was going on!

"Where'd you get the Polyjuice, Potter?!" he snarled angrily, shoving Dahlia away.

Howle made an angry noise when her cousin fell to floor of the carriage.

"Asshole!" she yelled. "Kiwi, Queso, sic 'em!" On that particular command, the two creatures actually obeyed and sprang towards the boy's unprotected face.

"Black!!" he sputtered angrily as Queso pecked him on the forehead and Kiwi hissed at him and scratched his cheeks with his claws. "I know it's you! Call your creatures off!!

Dahlia "hmph"ed loudly as she flopped down next to Howle.

"The nerve of some people! Just because my shampoo can clean the oil out of my hair…"

Howle nodded seriously. "I know. And he must feel so inferior when he compares his lack-luster, dark, grease-filled hair to mine." She paused to admire her shiny black hair.

The two females hummed simultaneously in agreement as they watched their furry/feathered companions lose interest in the cowering boy.

Dahlia pouted. Howle scowled.

"What?" she complained. "Are you not satisfied with the results you got?" she said, gesturing over to where Snape was cowering again.

"I don't think I'm quite finished; this was much too fun to give up now!" Dahlia exclaimed. "Will you help?"

Howle looked at her, looked at Snape, looked at their now contently dozing familiars, and back at Dahlia.

"Something like that," she promised and offered her hand to Dahlia, who took it solemnly. They shook solidly thrice, sealing their pact with a final, violent swing.

As the carriage rolled to a stop in front of the heavy doors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the cousins graciously allowed Severus to scramble out of the cart ahead of them.

"Bananas, anyone?" Howle remarked dryly as they climbed down, their familiars on their shoulders and cases in hand.

"Yes, please," Dahlia replied as they wandered over to the thestrals.

"You're so beautiful," Howle said as she stroked the scaly horse's neck.

Dahlia smiled when the thestral she was scratching between the wing blades began thumping its left hind leg.

"Oh!" Howle exclaimed. "Dahlia, look!" She pointed to the thestral's side.

They hadn't noticed until they were up close, but the poor horses had metal bolts permanently embedded in their sides, which was what enabled them to be hitched to carriage without any bridles and tack hanging in the air to disturb the other students.

Howle muttered angrily as she set about unhitching the thestrals from the carriage. "Stick a nail in a horse, oh, that's a _great _idea."

Her cousin helped her finish releasing the thestrals from the cart.

"There," she said, patting the thestral on the nose. "Don't bother going back to pick up more students. We were almost the last ones and the last four can walk."

"Damn right, they can walk," Howle said. "Honestly, what moron sticks nails in a horse's side and makes it pull things like _that? _Freaking lame-ass English people."

Dahlia frowned. "Tell me about it," she complained.

"Get a life," the girls grumbled together, then each cracked a grin.

Howle turned back to her thestral. It appeared to be stretching its wings now that it wouldn't hit them on the carriage.

"We'll come and see you soon," she murmured, stroking its side one more time. "We'll get those stupid, lame, _English _bolts out of your side, and then you can just boycott pulling the carriages from now on."

"Ladies, you are late," a stern voice called from behind them.

They both jumped and whirled around to see an older woman with tightly bound hair glaring down at them from the steps of the castle.

"Shit, lady," Howle complained. "Make some noise."

Dahlia hit her in the arm.

"That's the deputy Headmistress," she hissed, loud enough to be heard by said woman.

Dahlia turned to smile disarmingly at the deputy Headmistress.

"Please excuse my dear cousin, madam. She's hungry," she said.

"Suck-up," Howle muttered.

Dahlia continued to smile in a charming matter. "Just making a good false impression," she muttered back. "Just like I know you purposely spouted profanity to a faculty member in order to seem rash."

Howle considered it for a moment, then shrugged.

"Well, shit," she drawled, allowing the woman on the steps to hear her again. "You got me."

The woman huffed and beckoned to the girls imperiously.

"The Sorting of the first years is nearly over," she stated. "It is time for you to be Sorted, as well. And we do not appreciate profane language in this school, Miss…" she looked questioningly at Howle, who raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, damn. I didn't mean to insult you on my first day here," she said in an utterly unconvincing tone while she smirked internally. She loved irritating people like this deputy Headmistress.

"Crap, I really need to work on this shitty cussing thing."

"Howle and I'd be happy to be Sorted!" Dahlia interrupted brightly. "Let's go!"

The two girls skipped past the woman, who was confused by the sudden directional change in the conversation. Collecting herself, she followed the two hellions with the strange animals on their shoulders into the Great Hall.

She didn't notice the four boys in the distance sullenly making their way to the castle on foot.

Howle and Dahlia looked around curiously as the other students looked curiously at them.

"Could do with some more wall art," Howle commented.

"Hmm, quite," Dahlia agreed. "But I like the quaint banners over the tables. They make it feel festive, like there's going to be a party."

"I don't think those two tables look like they want to party with each other," Howle remarked as she gestured to the houses under the green and red banners. "Good thing they're separated."

"Miss Abbey! If you and Miss Druze are _quite _finished, we may commence with the Sorting!" the woman who had fetched them yelled, while holding a list of names and an old hat. "You are the only two left to be placed."

Facing each other, Howle and Dahlia shook hands again, but this time for luck.

Dahlia skipped up to the deputy Headmistress and plucked the hat from her grip.

"Thank you," she said sweetly, and perched on top of the stool that was so graciously provided as she slipped it on.

"What have we here?" the Hat whispered in her head. "You're quite unique, I see."

"I get that a lot," Dahlia thought to the Hat. "But usually from boys looking for a good…what is it called here? Snog?"

That Hat laughed. "Now, let me dig a little deeper and find out where you would be best."

The Hat was silent as it shifted through all of her memories and hopes and plans.

"Great Merlin!" it exclaimed out loud after a moment.

"What?" Dahlia asked. "I swear I didn't mean to set Mother's hat on fire on purpose, I wouldn't ever do it to you!" she assured the distraught Hat.

"No, no," it said in her mind. "I just shudder to think what you could do to this school if you were unleashed. I haven't seen this much scheming in the mind of one individual since Salazar Slytherin shared his mind with me!"

"Oh," Dahlia said admiringly. "Now I do feel special."

The Hat ignored her. "Now, where to put you? You have the cunning of a Slytherin, the intelligence worthy of Ravenclaw, a loyalty to this Howle person that Helga Hufflepuff herself would admire, and the nerve of a Gryffindor. You don't fit anywhere!" it moaned.

"Calm down, Hat," she told it. "Just let me pick."

The Hat sounded insulted. "No! I at least have to narrow it down!"

After a few minutes, it told her, "Not a Hufflepuff, and if you got to Slytherin you'll either scare them all out of the school or out of their magic. No, pick between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw."

Dahlia let a smug smile light up her face. "Ravenclaw," she said out loud. "Definitely."

She pulled the Hat off of her head before it could make the announcement itself. It sat on the stool, sulking.

Howle gave her a high five. "My turn!" she yelled, grabbing the hat and jamming it on her head while Dahlia took a seat at the rather confused Ravenclaw table. In fact, all of the Great Hall was confused over the strange Sorting that had just taken place.

That Sorting Hat hadn't been on Howle's head for more than a minute before it wailed piteously, "Oh, not _another one!_"

* * *

**Okay, MarsOutcast wrote this wonderfully humorous chapter. Comments are appriciated. Suggestions may or may not be taken, but are helpful.**

**-ShadowInTheHall**


	3. DON'T Mention the Hair

"What does _that_ mean?" Howle asked. "I don't know if I should feel special or insulted."

"Okay." the Sorting Hat said out loud. "What have we got here?" Minutes of tense silence passed. "Oh!" it remarked in her head.

"Hm?"

"The both of you! You have almost the same mind! Ever more scheming! Cunning of Slytherin, Loyalty of Hufflepuff; I'm assuming _you_ are Howle, the Intellect of Ravenclaw, and the Nerve of Gryffindor!" The Hat muttered to itself for a few moments. "No, no! You can _not_ be in Ravenclaw!" it exclaimed. "There are a select few in Gryffindor…" the Hat thought in her mind. "Disastrous…" it muttered. Dahlia wore an expression of confusion and amusement.

"Look, I'm sure you're always right and all, but can we hurry this up, maybe?" The Sorting Hat ignored this comment with a righteous indignancy.

"Hufflepuff or Slytherin?" it asked in her head.

"Ummm…..Hufflepuff table is all the way over there!" Howle complained. "And that grease ball with the nose pushed Dahlia over. I want Gryffindor."

"That was not one of the-"

"Gryffindor, or Ravenclaw." she challenged mentally.

"GRYFFINDOR!" the Hat shouted. Victoriously, Howle set the hat back on the stool and took her seat at the Gryffindor table across from her cousin. The old man at the front stood and held his hands out for silence.

"For those of you who were not present or paying attention, your house heads!" Four of the professors arose form the table at the front and walked to their house tables. Howle didn't hear any of their names, excepting 'Professor McGonagall'. The same woman, Deputy Headmistress, she had spoken so brashly to.

"Oh my dear merciful gods of all that I know…." she muttered to herself. Howle turned around to face Dahlia, who wore that look that said 'I-told-you-you-should-have-given-a-different-false-first-impression'.

"Now--the Feast!" The old man proclaimed loudly. Howle and Dahlia opened their cases and pulled out small blue marbles, inserting one into their respective ears. Dahlia pushed lightly on her left ear.

"I told you you should have given a different false first impression." Howle heard Dahlia say.

"How did I know you would say that?"

"Because I'm awesome."

"That makes no sense. Hey, when we were on the carriage, why did that Snape kid call me black?"

"Wasn't that the name of one of the others?"

"The ones who had to walk? Wait…wait…wait a sec…it's coming to me…Oh, yeah! Sirius, I think… Potter was the other one."

"Potential allies?" Dahlia asked.

"Potential targets." Howle offered. "Remus was nice, though."

"So shall we delegate-"

"Peter?"

"Agreed." they said in unison.

"I'd like to nominate Severus Snape." Howle said.

"Perhaps." Dahlia replied.

"I don't think I like this food."

"Why not?"

"This…_pasta_…smells like that potion I messed up." Howle cringed as she sniffed her food. Kiwi jumped up to her shoulder.

"Can I have it?" he asked.

"You may."

"Oh, look Howle." Dahlia said. "The newest potential victims have arrived." She looked toward the door. The old woman met them at the door and said something to them. As she left, they began walking toward the table. Remus was shaking his head while Peter hung his. James looked amused, while Sirius actually appeared to be proud. "Hey, I think they're Gryffindors."

"Hey, I think you can sit over here. Every one else is moving around." Dahlia glanced around and removed the marble from her ear, replacing it in her case. She woke up Queso and walked the distance between the tables to sit next to her cousin. Howle slid over.

"So when should we start work on the map?" Dahlia asked.

"Soon as we can. Well, probably next week."

"Right. That's the full moon, right?" Queso got on the table next to Kiwi.

"Yes. No one should be outside. Y'know, for fear of werewolves." Howle flicked a pea, which hit an unsuspecting Slytherin on the head.

"Miss Druze…" The cousins turned to find McGonagall behind them. "Two weeks from Wednesday, you have detention. Congratulations; you've managed to receive a detention before Mr. Potter _or_ Mr. Black."

"What can I say; I'm just special like that." Howle looked surprised for a moment, as if an epiphany jumped out and said 'Surprise!'. "Damn, I made it through a sentence without saying 'shit'!" Dahlia elbowed her.

"My dear cousin hasn't yet taken her medicine today. Please, Professor, she won't say it again." Howle opened her mouth, but Dahlia elbowed her again.

"Very well. See to it." She walked away. Howle leaned back to make sure she was gone.

"Hey, I see them!"

"Who?"

"Black and Potter!" Howle turned back to her cousin. "How _dare_ he!"

"Who?"

"Snape! Do you see Black's hair?! How could that…what is it here…_git_ compare us, let alone confuse us!" Dahlia, recognizing another silly campaign, agreed. After all, the ridiculous ones were always the best.

"We should do something." Dahlia said. Howle's brain took a moment- a short moment, but a moment nonetheless- to present the level of ridiculousness, but she quickly dismissed it.

"Yes! Come on." She and Howle marched down to their unsuspecting schoolmates. In a fit of absurd pride and irked common sense, Howle informed the two they were coming with her or they would awaken covered in a humiliating shade of scales. She dragged them toward the Slytherin table.

"What is this about, Sirius?"

"How should _I_ know, mate? I didn't do anything to her. I haven't even _seen_ a _Slytherin_ until now!" He thought of the comments they called after Severus earlier.

"She's on a hair campaign." Dahlia said from behind them, bemused.

"A what?" came the confused reply in unison.

"Howle feels her hair is superior to _yours_," she replied, pointing at Sirius, "and Severus Snape accused her of being you under disguise of a Polyjuice Potion."

"Ha ha! You were confused with a girl!" James laughed.

"Well, Potter," Dahlia said, "he accused _you_ of being me. Or, the other way around, rather." James's laughter paused.

"Yeah, but Snape got _them_ confused!" He laughed harder.

"Severus Snape!" Howle yelled, "I demand an apology!" The greasy-haired teen turned to see the insane girls from the carriage and Sorting, and the leaders of the Marauders.

"For what?" he spat. The fear in his voice was obvious.

"How on earth could you get me confused for him?!" Howle pointed at Sirius. "My hair is so much straighter and blacker and shinier!" Dahlia leaned forward.

"Dear, I don't think 'shinier' is a word." Howle hissed in response. Dahlia remained unperturbed.

"Wait," Sirius said, "you thought she was me because of our hair? My hair is clearly superior!"

"Yeah right! You wouldn't know a brush from your fingers!"

"Well, you wouldn't know _grease _from _shampoo_!" Dahlia stepped back, eyes wide. James retreated back as Sirius drew his wand, but it was too late. Sirius had choppy blonde hair with randomly placed neon streaks.

"Hmph!" James looked between the insane newcomer and his newly-saloned best friend. Howle started to walk away, but turned. "And _you_ can apologize to my cousin for knocking her down." She left. Sirius cast a silencing charm on James so as to cease his echoing laughter. Then he threw a spell at the retreating Howle, who raised her wand, sending it across the great hall to an on looking Hufflepuff. Severus looked around, frightened.

"I-I'm sorry! Forgive me, please; if there's anything I can ever do…I apologize for pushing you!"

* * *

**The latest installment in this bizzarely entertaining crack-fed work of literary achievement. I hope you enjoyed it.**

**-S**


	4. Now What About Pecks of Pickled Peppers?

Dahlia shrugged. "I know you were just denying your passion for me. It was a perfectly natural reaction. Although," she continued, shoving a boy with long white-blond hair off of the bench and sitting next to Severus. "I expect you to treat me _much_ nicer from now on, mister."

Severus nodded frantically, his dark and greasy hair flinging into his eyes. He jumped up and stiffly held out his arm. His dark eyes looked wild and afraid.

"May I escort you to your table?!" Severus asked in a slightly hysterical tone.

Dahlia gracefully stood and accepted his arm. "Of course you may. Shall we?"

Looking like he was going to his own execution, Severus walked with Dahlia over to the avenue between Ravenclaw and Gryffindor tables as she chattered away. He breathed a sigh of relief when she released him.

"Now, Severus, I expect you to meet me in the entrance hall fifteen minutes before breakfast tomorrow morning. You will be allowed to carry my bag," Dahlia informed him, then sat down next to a silent Howle and began to eat the slice of cheesecake that appeared before her.

Severus whimpered, nodded, and scampered out of the Great Hall.

He wasn't hungry anymore.

"That went well," Dahlia remarked in a satisfied tone as she stole a peanut butter and chocolate ball from the plate in front of her. Well, technically, it wasn't stealing because it was for everyone, but Dahlia was practicing her technique.

Howle snorted. "I'm not quite sure why you want Grease-Ball to be your minion. He's not very…clean. No, not clean at all."

Dahlia nodded. "I know. But I think it's fun to scare him. He doesn't seem to be the type to scare easily." Dahlia mused.

"True," Howle agreed. "So…Peter?"

"Peter," Dahlia replied. "What first?"

Howle thought for a moment. "Doesn't Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?"

Dahlia nodded. "Uh-huh. Do you think he'll do it tomorrow?"

"Yes," said Howle. "Definitely."

"One way or another."

Their first night in the castle was spent uneventfully. As the other children slept, the two cousins and their familiars skipped openly through the halls and found all manners of interesting things. They found a kite the size of the giant squid (they agreed that it had possibilities), met the poltergeist, Peeves (with whom they made friends), and discovered seventeen passageways that hadn't been used for at least a century, if they could go by the dust on the floor.

They also met the ghost in one of the girls' bathrooms. Her name was Myrtle, and while they were chatting with her, Kiwi and Queso found a funny little snake carved into a sink handle.

The two familiars showed the handle to Howle and Dahlia.

"Hmm," said Howle. "Why do you think this would be here?"

Dahlia shrugged. "I don't know. I think we should definitely come back and figure it out, but it's almost four. We should sleep."

Howle nodded. "Affirmative. Kiwi, Queso, onward cows!"

Severus was waiting, trembling, in the entrance hall for Dahlia the next morning. Unfortunately for him, Howle was with her, as it was quite rare that the two were separated. He squeaked quietly.

"Severus, dear, there you are!" Dahlia called brightly. "I believe you've met my cousin?" He nodded nervously, offering a shaky bow toward Howle. She raised an eyebrow and snorted.

"Men," she sniffed. "Think they can make everything better with a little flattery. Well, let me tell you, it will take more than one face-flat-on-the-ground grovel session for you to get in my graces, let alone my good ones!"

Dahlia shook her head sadly as she patted Severus on the arm. "You shouldn't have brought the hair into this, Severus."

The boy tried to argue that he hadn't, in fact, brought the hair directly into it, but was silenced when Dahlia handed him her bag.

Her extremely heavy bag, he realized, as that shoulder drooped disproportionately lower than the other with the wait. "Ow," he peeped.

"There, there, you need to build up some muscle. You're much too scrawny," Dahlia told him. "Here, take Howle's too."

Now both of his shoulders were proportionately low! Yay!

Howle grinned evilly at him, but said nothing.

They wandered into the Great Hall, Severus trailing sadly behind them.

Suddenly, screaming filled the air and the two girls only just managed to keep their balanced as someone ran full tilt past them towards the table. Severus had no such luck and tipped over.

It was Peter Pettigrew who vaulted over the table bench and grabbed a whole pitcher of pumpkin juice. He gulped the whole thing down noisily, and when he finished, he dumped the pitcher of ice water over his head. Then he rinsed and repeated.

Dahlia looked at Howle admiringly. "Oh, that was lovely," she remarked.

Howle smoothed her long black hair. "What can I say?" she bragged. "I'm the master."

"Of course, dear."

Severus was looking between the two girls and Pettigrew with a strange expression. For once in the presence of the two teenage girls, it wasn't fright or anger- it was wonder and respect.

Despite any lingering vestiges of fear, Severus tugged on each girl's robe from his position at their feet. They looked down, Dahlia curiously while Howle had a sardonic expression.

"That," Severus gulped. "That was beautiful. May I offer my sincere compliments?"

Howle sniffed. "You may," she said haughtily, and took a seat next to Dahlia at the Ravenclaw table.

Severus stood warily and bowed to Howle and Dahlia before he walked toward the Slytherin table.

"Severus, dear, don't forget to come back after you eat to escort us to our first classes!" Dahlia called after him.

Severus sighed, but it wasn't as painful an expression as earlier.

Someone who pranked one of the Marauders, even the least of them, was worth note.

* * *

**Ah the comedic renderings of MarsOutcast. She rocks, people. Leave her reviews and tell her so. **

**Until whenever,  
-S**


	5. Beware the Pixies

"You're twisted." Howle said, picking at a pancake.

"No more twisted than you, dearest cousin of mine."

"Sometimes I wonder…" she muttered. Dahlia pushed her into a Ravenclaw. Knowing that the Great Hall would soon be in shambles if she pushed back, Howle returned to picking at her pancake.

"Are you going to eat that?" Dahlia questioned.

"Eat it? Are you insane? This pancake is…..is…"

"An abomination?"

"A pancake!"

"Why, yes. Yes it is." Dahlia raised an eyebrow critically.

"From this day on," Howle stuck her fork directly in the middle of the syrupy pancake, "I declare pancakes unfit for consumption!" she flung the offending breakfast item into the air. It flew off of her fork and hit an unsuspecting Gryffindor on the head. "Oops."

"Well, while I suspect they're inedible, pancakes are excellent ammo." Dahlia remarked sarcastically.

"Indeed." Howle nodded seriously. "Really, though. What kind of breakfast is this, anyway? Not a cake in sight!"

"That's because cake is not a healthy breakfast food." Dahlia took a bite of a chocolate chip muffin. Howle grumbled under her breath. "You should really cut your sugar consumption down, but if you're going to make a big fuss over it, eat this." Dahlia produced a ball of chocolate.

"What is that?"

"It's a peanut butter chocolate ball. I swiped six or seven last night." Howle took the confection.

"Thank you, Dahlia!" She gave her cousin an overdramatic hug, including tears.

"Get off." Dahlia attempted to push her away, but she didn't move. "Howle, you're on my lawn! Get off-- GET-off-my-LAWN!" Howle sat up and ate the peanut butter chocolate ball like none of the previous episode had taken place.

Severus waited for them at the entrance, nervous and weighted down. There was a small noise coming from inside the old brown leather messenger bag. If he was correct, that one belonged to Howle, and the newer one was Dahlia's. First, checking they were not coming, he opened the flap of the bag away from his face, just in case something were there to jump out at him. Inside was a grey cinderblock with the books. Carefully, he lifted the cinderblock out of the pack.

"What do you think you're doing?" He froze and turned to find Dahlia and Howle standing behind him. Howle's arms were crossed. "Put Kiwi back in my bag. Now."

"I-"

"Severus," Dahlia said in a condescendingly reassuring tone, "did you really think we would put weights in our bags?" She raised her eyebrow just so.

"N-no." he replaced the weight and offered his arm to Dahlia. "Where may I escort you to?!" His voice cracked at the thought of ending up like Peter. Peter hadn't even done anything...

"Our first class is Care of Magical Creatures." Dahlia replied pleasantly. On their way to Kettleburn's outside classroom, Severus caught sight of a sleek black cat making its way into Howle's arms. He cursed in his mind, despite his previous wonder. They reached the hut where other children were amassing.

"Severus, I expect you to be here to escort us to our next class." He kept a straight face, but rolled his eyes. Dahlia cleared her throat.

"I mean, yes ma'am." He bowed quickly and left, setting their bags near them.

"Such a nice underling…"

"Still not clean." Howle said. She pulled the cinderblock out of her backpack. "Don't worry, I put some bricks in yours." Dahlia smiled approvingly, and removed the bricks from her bag. Howle stood up, bumping someone in the process. A blonde Slytherin turned around.

"Watch where you're going." he sneered.

"How to watch something behind my back…" Howle said thoughtfully. "Typical of a Slytherin." she scoffed.

"What was that? What year are you? Second?" She opened her mouth to say something, but he continued. "That's the only excuse, albeit a sorry one, that a sorry excuse for a witch like you would have for speaking to a Malfoy like that."

"Malfoy?" Howle said.

"Sounds like an illness." Dahlia remarked.

"Oh," Howle brought her hand to her forehead, "Dahlia, it's positive. I have…_Malfoy_, and it's terminal." she said, with an overdramatic flourish. Dahlia, with a straight face, cried out in emotional pain.

"Why? _Why my dear friend?!_ Take me instead!" The snobbish blonde, being the unamused prat he was, pushed Howle over. Dahlia gasped. "What the fu-"

"Welcome, students!" A man with shaggy brown hair and two missing fingers stood in front of the students. "I trust you all have your Monster Book of Monsters?" A murmur went through the crowd. Howle stood up, with Dahlia's help, and brushed herself off, thoughts of revenge running through her head. "I know it's your first day back, but I thought we'd take a look at some pixies today!"

"Bingo." Dahlia muttered.

"Parcheesi." Howle replied, competitively.

"Connect Four!"

"Solitaire!"

"Duck Duck Goose!"

"Rook!"

"Poker!"

"Clue!" Howle said. Professor Kettleburn cleared his throat.

"Are you done yet, ladies?" he asked.

"Yes." they replied quietly in unison.

"Very well. Now," he redirected the class's attention to the front, "I have here some examples of….." The hellion cousins stopped listening. When their attention was brought back to the reddish creatures in the front, Kettleburn asked a question. "Who here knows the poem "The Pixies" by Samuel Peck?" He looked around.

"Tis said their forms are tiny, yet  
All human ills they can subdue,  
Or with a wand or amulet  
Can win a maiden's heart for you;

And many a blessing know to stew-"

"To make to wedlock bright;  
Give honour to the dainty crew,  
The Pixies are abroad tonight." Howle finished, in a voice that lent the poem to a picture of mischief, rather than to the picture of creatures of good will, as Kettleburn had. Dahlia smiled.

"Yes, very good, Miss…Are you a new student?"

"More or less." Howle said. Dahlia elbowed her.

"Yes. We transferred here this year. I am Dahlia Abbey, and this," she indicated the black haired girl next to her, "is Howle Druze."

"Well, it's nice to meet the both of you. Would you like to start off with something easier to handle?"

"No, it's quite alright. We handled pixies at our previous school." Dahlia replied. Howle snorted quietly. They had, two schools ago, rounded up the pixies in the forest and set them loose. In the staff restroom. Where two of their least favourite teachers were….engaged in…unscrupulous activities. Needless to say, they left early and were not invited back.

"Okay then. This way please!" The students followed him to a clearing where there were tables with cages. Two students to a table, two pixies to a pair. Professor Kettleburn gave the students instructions to not look them in the eye, and do not open the cages. As Dahlia and Howle neared their table, the pixies began squeaking irately and buzzing about. They had reddish skin and translucent wings that sparkled blue and purple.

"Now, now," Dahlia reassured them, "it's alright."

"Yeah." Howle said. They both reached into the front of their shirts and pulled out round silver amulets engraved with ancient runes surrounding a flaming Phoenix. "We're part of the Order of the Ash. We know what you're saying, and I _hardly_ think it's appro-" Dahlia elbowed her. "Damn, woman! I might as well get that rib taken out!"

"What my partner is trying to say is that the Order hasn't yet gotten anyone inside Hogwarts to do a full investigation. Is there any unfair treatment going on here?" Dahlia asked.

"Well….." the pixie was unsure. The second puffed its chest up.

"We're here in cages, on a table, being scrutinized by teams of newbie witches and wizards! What do you think's going on?!" his tiny voice squeaked.

"Yes, but your forefathers signed an agreement, a treaty, if you will, with the founders of this school." Howle reminded him. "Aside from the studying you guys, have the instructors or students done anything cruel?"

"No." the first pixie said.

"Good to hear." Dahlia reported, turning to Howle. "So shall we ask them?"

"Indeed."

"Ask us what?" came the united reply.

"Well," Howle started, "there is a student here….Right over there, the blonde." Malfoy poked one of his pixies in the side with his quill. The two gasped. "Yes. You see my concern? If I set up to teach him a lesson about the Fey, would you help?" They conferred quietly for a moment.

"Of course!" they shouted. Dahlia discreetly pointed her wand at the boy, who already looked clumsy enough, working at the next table. He fell on to their table, opening the cage with the pixies. They flew out, opening as many cages as they could on their way to the Slytherin, who, in the spirit of this story, was _quite_ unsuspecting. The pixie brethren attacked en masse. Tortured screams filled the air.

"My face! Do you filthy little imps know who you're dealing with?! I am LUCIUS MALFOY! GET _OFF_, YOU LITTLE-" he went silent. All eyes turned to Howle, who had her wand out.

"Sorry. I tried to hit the pixies…" she explained, innocently. Lucius twitched, suffering from the Stunning Charm she had used. He couldn't scream or move, much to his dismay. The professor gathered as many pixies as he could, but most of them had escaped. He dismissed the class. As Dahlia and Howle headed off, someone beckoned them from the forest.

"Hey," the second pixie said, "that was awesome. I've never had so much fun working with a human! My name's Henin, by the way."

"I agree. No one has ever helped us avenge our friends like that, especially a human! I am Lerloff." he bowed.

"I'm Howle. Pleasure doin' business with ya'."

"I am Dahlia. We'll report to the Order tonight. Any other complaints?"

"As long as you take care of brats like that…_Malfoy_…we'll be fine."

"Sure thing, Henin." Howle said.

"If you ever need our help to pull something off…Just give us a call." Lerloff offered. The cousins nodded, then headed off to torture, ahem, meet Severus.

"What class do we have next?" Howle asked.

"Well, first, we have lunch. Then comes Transfiguration."

* * *

**Yeah. I'm amused, but I don't think anyone's even reading this. Whatever. **


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